Hey, I'm back, and just as I promised I will be sharing my first time experience in University and how much of a rollercoaster it was(for me). Lol this is a must read!
I completed my matric in 2016 and had acceptance offers at the University of Pretoria, Johannesburg, Witwatersrand, Cape Town and Tshwane University of Technology(TUT) . I chose the University of Pretoria(Tuks) because it's close to home, has a good reputation in terms of academics and we have an alumni in my house, I could've went to TUT yes but I was admitted for Industrial Engineering and I was not so sure considering how horribly I did in Physical Sciences in high School. A decision was made and it was BCom. Informatics at Tuks.
so I lived alone for the first time in my life and I was homesick for the first few weeks, it felt really weird because I also struggled with making friends and waking up early enough to attend a 7am class, now see the waking up part used to convince me that all this was probably not worth it because i really wasn't seeing the fun aspect of university that everyone was talking about.
Until I did, it was a wow.
And now i had a Varsity boyfriend, discovered alcohol and hubbly and the likes(I wont talk about drugs here) and officially my weekend started on Thursdays and partying was the new normal, I officially started depending on my brain and natural intelligence for tests and exams because i was indeed delusional. I normalized sleeping out, the night life(i still don't know how i survived blessers), the fun life and school is temporary but joy is forever, lol haha, yes that was very dumb of me.
And i would study for a few hours and go write God knows what in those exam rooms, then went back to res to sleep, unbothered of the future, otherwise my boyfriend was my life(don't judge). And then life came crashing down after my finals and i started realizing how badly i must have done academically, not to mention finally coming to terms with the fact that my financial support was immensely lacking and i might not get my results, so i went home and all the intense thinking and consistent stresses clouded me so much all i ever did was sleep and have horrible mood swings, i doubt i ate more than once a day.
January came and I was welcomed by my financial exclusion letter and having to repeat almost half of my classes, now until i clear my debt i cant go to class and trust me no one will wait for you and your financial problems, so while trying to sort that out which felt impossible every single time and the finance representatives just looked like they were rooting for my failures i cried every single day, oh and our fights with my pillar of strength during the December break led to a break up, so there was that too.
Having everyone's hopes up on you and the pressure from home and literally nothing coming together started to make me feel like waking up every day was not worth it, i could see what this was doing to my mom but i was so drained from going to beg daily to be allowed to register and being told to pay heavy amounts of money i don't have was just emotionally weighing me down. i felt helpless, unseen, unwanted, unworthy of good thing. i literally felt my whole world crumbling down to ashes because all my hopes of a better future solely depended on that degree(that's what I and my family believed then). I started giving up, i was like a month late for classes, missed tutorials and a few informal tests and all, it felt like i was fighting a losing battle. I was just about to stop because it had even started being about witchcraft and ancestors and spiritual beings for my mom, everything was confusing, i was hopping from pastors to traditional healers, to student loans departments to solve one thing that stood between me and my future, so i was spiritually drained too.
During this whole procession I grew close to someone who was a friend the year before. He was really supportive, he was the listener, the advisor, he made me feel like i was not alone. well that grew from just being a friend to something else that i still don't understand even today. he cared, showed love in a romantic way, gave me time, attention, concern, something i wasn't used to, so i fell for it(stupid no titles), this continued for a while until i finally got the government clear some if my debt and i registered and went to res, lol big mistake. i went to classes for a week and i would come back home with so much headache and confusion because everything looked so new and i couldn't catch up or pick up the pieces. I was lost and it made me scared, i got anxious and i started convincing myself that it was over for me.
I started skipping classes, intentionally, warily missed deadlines. i would wake up, make food and sleep. sometimes i didn't have money for electricity, couldn't care much, everything just looked grey. I would cry, every single day and night, shut myself out from my friends, i would spend so many days sleeping without eating or showering, and i saw nothing wrong with that, i had given up and i thought i still can get it together. i would try studying but nothing would make sense and i would stop. And the pillar of strength started becoming the pillar of tears when i realized i will never be the official girlfriend, lol right. And i don't know which unknown vein in my body told me to make contact with my father but i did and it didn't turn our well, for the third time in my life, same outcome and i kept asking myself why is everything so wrong in my life. i felt unwanted and so unworthy. like rejection was my middle name, I questioned the existence of God so many times during that period, I was tired, i was drained, mentally drained, emotionally drained. I felt out of touch with the world.
One day I woke up and decided that I wanted to go home, that was after multiple eviction notices as well, i was so sure that place didn't want me, so i woke up and went to the Student Centre and deregistered, packed a small little bag and went home. The moment i deregistered i felt like a huge load was lifted off my shoulders, life seemed a bit different and i felt a sense of freedom. When I explained my situation to my family I got different reactions, my mom's one is a story all on its own haha, but neighbor suggested i get help, professional help and when i finally took the step i was diagnosed with depression, put on medication to control my mental state at the time and started going for sessions, to heal and understand what was happening, to deal with my life issues head on.
And i started understanding that all this healing process would have not taken place had i not accepted that i failed and i needed to deal with the pain that came with that. Had i not realized that something was different with me and i needed to get back to my normal self, had i not admitted that i need help, that all this was not normal. It took accepting that Tuks was a failed goal, that its okay I lost, things didn't go my way but its not the end of the world, yeah i have to rearrange my goals and my future and how i imagined it and it hurts, but at the end of the day I have to move on to create room for new opportunities.
It opened my eyes, I saw life at a different angle and started learning to love and appreciate myself more, to allow myself to let go, to lose, to understand that I can always start again if things don't go my way. I learned that maybe I should stop leaning on people for support and strength, learned that i need to be strong enough to handle my problems without constantly needing a person by me. I learned to trust in myself and to trust the process.
Things dont just happen, You put in the effort and you get the results, the results wont always be what you expect and it will hurt, but you cry, you get up and try again or try something new. Life moves either way.
If you related to this in some parts, most parts, or even if you didn't at all, just know that you are destined for greater things in life, be more open minded and let go when something is not giving to allow room for new opportunities
I'm glad you were able to get back on your feet.. Love and light 🕯️❤️